Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Posted 9-9-06

A Ponderance...

Well, we got a challenge to update a ponderance and I thought I'd join in. It's a great way to keep the ring alive and well and will get me here at least once a week. So here's to Jacquie's suggestion and Friday Ponderance...

"If I knew then what I know now..."

Well, I'm one of those who wouldn't change much, but there are a few things I would. Without going into too much gory detail, I would say when bad things happen, no matter how scary and no matter how horrible, you should find someone you trust and tell them right away. Mom, dad, close family relative, close person - SOMEONE... Stop the what ever it is immediately. When you don't, when you're not strong enough to say enough is enough, the end result can be, in some cases, catastrophic.

For me, it wasn't necessarily catastrophic, but it did result in the loss of one relationship in particular that was painful. The domino effect from that was the loss of several very close friends of mine. I lost a lot in a years time. I lost my boyfriend, I lost my oldest friend in the world and I lost my best friend. I lost my self respect, I lost my mind... and I lost my grades too. I'm telling ya - I lost a lot...

Therapy is a wonderful thing and worth every penny and every second spent in and on it. If I had been able to stop the process when I was young I've a feeling I would have had a very different life. I would have likely married my first love, I would have a whole different life right now if I had. I'm not saying a better life, I'm just saying a different one.

I spent years suffering and it wasn't necessary. It was wasted energy and wasted time and a lot of wasted tears and life.

Now, that being said, I have three amazing kids whom I love dearly - with all my heart. I wouldn't trade them for all the tea in China, all the money in the world or all the early "fix it's" available. They are mine and so unique and wonderful. I have a wonderful husband whom I love and cherish and to whom I'm devoted. I have a fabulous relationship with my dad and I enjoyed an equally incredible relationship with my mom before she passed away. I have had several great jobs, two great careers and been places I would likely never gone, met people I'd never met. I have some incredible friends and people I love and admire that I'd never known otherwise.

Would I change things? Not necessarily, the events I experienced have shaped who I am and what I am and frankly, I'm pretty satisfied with that. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and how far I have gone in my life. I'm a good person, wise even. I'm intelligent and for my age and my health, I'm still a pretty good looking woman. I'm not obsessed any more with my looks, and it IS possible for me to look in the mirror and not be so distraught/disgusted I want to throw up. I'm a big, beautiful amazing, charming, lovely, wise, loving, good woman. I can be a good friend, I'm a good wife, I'm a good daughter and mother. I have my faults to be sure, but I easily admit when I'm wrong, apologize and move on. I also am easy to get along with, easily get over "issues" and accept others for who and what they are. I trust easily despite everything in my past and will defend those I care about to the end.

However, betray my trust more than once and and you'll have one helluva fight on your hands. Once I'm betrayed like that, I'm hard to trust again. I easily forgive and I forget. After all, if God can forgive us our trespasses as easily as us saying the words "Please Father, forgive me my sins" then surely I can forgive, forget and move forward. Just don't wait on me to issue you a certificate of trust right away coz that's not likely to happen.

Besides, I don't wanna fry when I go, Momma's waiting on me and I dang sure better go UP! I have been in need of some Momma hugs in the last 9 years and I'm likely to need quite a few more before I go. I wanna collect on those! Momma hugs rock harder than anyone else's ever! LOL

So would I do something differently if I'd known then what I know now? Maybe. The only reason I say it is because when God plans out your kids, that's HIS plan and not ours. He would have brought me these three amazing children regardless. He would have put equally amazing people in my life. My experiences may have been a little different. My family may look a little different. But I'd know the same amazing love I know now. I'd know the same amazing joy of motherhood. I'd have amazing friends and I'd likely have some amazing wisdom about me. Afterall, like I said, when He plans your life, it's His plan and not to be messed with. He would have supplied me then just as now all the wisdom love and joy I need to accomplish things in my life, just maybe under different curcumstances.

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