As we wound down the Lazarus Experiment this week we had a few final assignments... One was to give something - really really give, one was to dance, and one was to really connect... these, I thought would not be as easy as I had hoped but that is the purpose of our Experiment wasn't it? To stretch ourselves and grow in our love and relationship with the Lord and live more in the Lord and as He would have us live? With that, I offer my final entries into the Lazarus with a prayer of thanksgiving for all those involved and for the Lord for having led me here through His daughter, sweet Marci.
I have given my house. When my kids came home temporarily, I realized this is not going to be as temporary as they alluded. This is going to be at least a summer long venture. In some ways this relieves me as there are going to be two weeks where Dalton and I were to be away (not concurrent) but this saves me having to board my sweet dog.
This is however giving up my freedom. I enjoy very much watching what I want, cooking what I want, doing what I want. Dalton and I come and go as we please and we no longer having that luxury. We now have four more people and a dog living here and I find myself planning a wedding in 3 weeks, giving up my freedom, my living space, my private time. I no longer have a bed to myself as my 10 year old is now sleeping with me so his brother can have somewhere to sleep. I have a small corner of my den where my things are and where I can spend time on the computer.
What I take from this is how much love there is around me. While I have no alone time, I have laughter, conversation, love is electric in the air around me. There is little time for loneliness where there is so much life and living!!
Dancing came easily as my best friend and I danced through the aisles of the local Dollar General as they pumped canned 70's music through their pa system. We are so good together and I can be myself around her nio matter what. We cry, laugh, talk, dance, sing, cook, share television shows (while we are on the phone lol) and she has been my rock. While I lost my husband, she lost one of her best friends and it has brought great comfort to me to be on this new leg of my life's journey with her.
We celebrate everything together and she is like a second mom to my children. We are thick as little thieves and hope to grow old along side one another. We dance to celebrate life, joy, love, laughter and even sadness as even last night she held me while I cried. Funny how music can move us in so many directions, often in the blink of an eye, a simple sung syllable, a strum of just the right chord so as to raise up a memory that is both wonderful and painful all at once. And she is there through it all.... we stand together, clinging to each other, and slowly swaying to melancholy beat of our lost love. I do hope the Lord allows us to dance in our friendship for many years to come. She has become a sister to me, family as real as my blood family is.
The Lazarus Experiment has really helped to me grow through a time during which I would much rather had hibernated. You have all shown me new ways of seeing things, new ways of feeling things. I have reached (grown toward!) a place, I hope, of deeper giving, understanding, compassion, empathy, loving and of reliance. I have come to understand that we must not only rely on and believe in God and His infinite wisdom and ability to walk us through every moment of our lives but we must also awaken ourselves more deeply to the world around us from which we can also draw strength, inspiration, joy and love. It is a time to rejoice in all that which God has provided, all that to which we had cast a cloudy eye, not unseeing really but had passed over. We can no longer be unconcerned with little pieces of life but take them all in and savor them all. How delicious is a meal without one small spice? Even a grain of salt, a simple bay leaf, a granule of dried mustard can change a meal from something to which we have become accustomed to something more spectacular. Each and every second of the day contains something that makes that day memorable. Without each miniscule fragment of time, our day changes; morphs into something different.
I have learned to take time to smell it, feel it, ingest it, touch it, let it's scent invade my senses and make it's impact on my day.
I thank you - all of you - for helping me through this difficult time in my life and bringing to closer to a place where I can rejoice each and every moment. I have felt such growth and love here and my heart has found a deeper meaning in my faith, in my love for others I will likely never meet in real life, in my own ability to survive and learn and in my own ability to love myself. You are all amazing and wonderful people. I will keep you all in my prayers!