Monday, April 9, 2012

Time is not on my side!

Goodness how time has flown.

The past year has been good, bad and ugly.  But through it all, we had each other.  My oldest son was married on July 22, 2011.  It was the hottest day of the summer but the ceremony was beautiful. He and his bride moved into their own home on September 1st.  So that was somewhat relieving that they could have their own place to be a married couple and relieved my little house of some of it's strain.  They are now expecting their first child and I'm gonna be a real blooded Meggie!  (I have two adopted grandbabies that I adore and love dearly, so I'm not slighting Aly-Girl in the least!)  November will be a great month.  Perhaps we'll get lucky and have a beautiful little blessing born on Momma's birthday, 11/4!)

My middle son moved to his own place on February 1, 2012.  He is busy about the motions of trying to set up/keep house, manage bills and build a life of his own.  He had hit a few stumbling blocks, but this is life.  He is starting his new life without love in it for another, but I'm convinced his true love is waiting in the wings for their meeting.  He is a great young man, destined for greatness.

Now if they will all get their things out of my house so I can have my house back I'd be good to go!  We're working on that though and hopefully by this time next month I will be looking at MY house, MY stuff and able to walk about freely without knocking into everyone elses things!

My youngest son has had a really rough year.  Having lost his dad, he started out as was to be expected.  Angry, lost, confused, hurt, sad and wandering.  He wandered through his days, not liking his life, himself or really anything around him.  He began to fall through the cracks while I searched for a proper therapist to enable him to come back to himself (and the rest of us).  Thanksgiving was nice.  We gathered at Reaves and Jessica's new house, all bringing food to share.  We had a lot of people in their little home but it was delicious and fun.  The kids hung out and it was nice to see all my children getting along and enjoying being together.  Dalton and Tyler (Jessica's younger brother) are fast friends having spent the majority of last summer together, and were so glad to be hanging out together once again.

The bottom dropped out of our little world shortly after that.  Dalton came home and told me something no mother (parent) wants to hear.  "Mommy, I would rather be dead than feel like this all the time.  I wish God had taken me and not Daddy.  I can't stand my life."

How devastating a comment.  Devastating to me, devastating to him, devastating to our world; or what was left of it.  The search for a proper therapist became not a search but a frantic search.  The school called me in with a psychologist, the counselor, the teacher and myself where the only thing established was how much Dalton didn't like his teacher, and how sad and utterly lost he was.  My search continued...

Christmas was so hard.  Hard to remember our last Christmas together.  Hard to remember the laughter and love that was shared.  Hard to remember without heartache, heartbreak, and so many wishes to either make the pain go away or to just magically make it easier to handle.  Dalton continued to be sad.  To top it off, he was getting sicker and sicker.

In October, we learned Dalton has "Oshgood Schlatter Disease".  It is characterized by a chronic inflammation of the growth plate in the knees.  He was in constant pain and we seemed to be in the Emergency Room every other week.  In early December we were told Dalton had "Ehlers Danlos Syndrome".  Our physician was very flippant about it.  He even said "I could tell yo about all this, but I'm going to print our these two names and you can Google it."

I have never heard of a doctor saying someone should Google a diagnosis.  Once I started researching, it scared me. While I was reading, a friend of mine, a pediatric physical therapist, calls me and says, "Um, do you KNOW anything about EDS? Trust me, Lissa, this is NOT something to take lightly.  You need to see a geneticist.  Sooner than later.  There are ways to manage it but it is a lifelong process."

Thus began another leg of our journey to Dalton's self discovery.  So now we have seen the doctor, we have  a diagnosis.  We are developing a plan.  We are standing with answers to why he threw up nearly every day for 5 years. We understand why he, (and his daddy) are so tall without much meat on their bones despite huge appetites.  We are working towards getting him back into Tae Kwon Do (in which he excels)  and feeling better about himself.  We have an amazing set of counselors, both private and in a Spiritual Healing Center who have been amazing.  We have come so far in just a few months.

And the anniversary of mom's passing and the anniversary of Kevin's passing all happened in the course of two weeks and it was devastating.  Both of us suffered silently and publicly.  I cannot tell you how difficult it is to hear people say, "I know how you feel.  We miss him too."  Oh really?  Are you serious?  You have NO CLUE!"  I know they mean well, and their love is vital to our success in getting up and moving forward. But seriously, unless your spouse or parent is ripped out from under  you in seemingly healthy and perfect circumstances, you have no idea.  Please don't think me to be callous or unkind.  Their love and support is genuine and I love them for it.  I love them for their friendship and I love them for standing by us during this year.  And we continue loving them because they are such a huge and vital part of our lives.

Suddenly, through my endeavors to grow closer to God, my increased prayers and a little boy, I am ready. Ready to move forward.  Ready to start living!  REALLY LIVING!

Dalton woke up one day and said to me, "Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Um, making breakfast, what are you doing?"

"No Mommy, I mean what are you doing.  Daddy would not want you sitting around down here missing him and thinking you have nothing to look forward to.  He would want you to be happy.  He would want you to date."

"Oh, you think so?"

"Yes, mommy, I KNOW so.  You need to date mommy."

Sooooooooo, long story short, after much thought and prayer, I decided to go on line (again) and sign up for a dating website.  This has it's pitfalls... deep pitfalls...  I started talking to a person who turned out to be not only married (profile read divorced) but very very happily married despite all his talk of what he wanted to drive to Williamsburg to do to me (read *&%#_$%*).  <-- That was very sexually explicit material by the way.  Gross...  He was the kind of person that wasn't saying it funny or suggestive.  He was down right dirty.  I'm SO glad every warning signal in my head was sounding out bells, whistles and alarms.  I'm so glad my momma and my dearly departed husband were hollaring at me.  I told him that lunch would be nice but there would be none of the "hanky panky" stuff for quite a while...  Funny, I never heard from him again.  Your loss buddy!  And GREAT Riddance!

Fast forward.  I have a good friend who found her husband to be on a different - and FREE - website.  I cancelled my subscription to the one, hit up a profile on the other and started reading the emails, flirts and messages.  Where this will lead only time will tell, but I found a gentleman, a self sufficient man who is kind and charming, intelligent and sweet and funny and fun.  We have many similarities in our lives and seem to be extremely compatible. (Not to mention, he's easy on the eyes and ears! HooWEE!)   As I said, time will tell but we have both agreed that to muddle the mix with other dates would be confusing to our journey so we have decided to not see others.  I like that.  I'm a one man kind of gal and he's a one woman kind of guy so we'll see.  Time is a commodity I do have!

Now, Dalton is well on his road to recovery.  I have a renewed spirit in our Lord, myself and my family.  We have been busy mending fences, hearts and lives and apparently doing it well.  You see, since I was 14 when I first met Christ as my Lord, I have realized that when I am obedient unto His word and will, I am rewarded greatly.  Case in point - my job and the places it took me, the success I experienced in my job, my children, my late husband, and now a return trip to Him.  And what do I find? A whole world of possibilities before me waiting to be discovered. God's strong hand to walk with me, holding me up when I miss a step (coz you KNOW I'm a clumsy gal), helping me through my darkest hours and shining brightly on me each and every single day.  God is so very very good and I am so very very grateful and thankful for Him.  I'm so thankful He waited for me to be ready to stand on my own two feet again.  I'm so thankful that He loves me no matter how much I faltered in the last year. I'm so thankful for the new people in my life through my church, my surroundings and my extended family.  ( and now I'm even more grateful for the internet too *smiles*)

We shall see where this leads, indeed...

No comments: