Saturday, April 13, 2013

In the midst of the Lazarus Experiment...

I feel so small and overwhelmed by the magnitude of His love for me.  I am blessed beyond measure and yet there are times I am not grateful like I should be.  There are times I am not happy with what I have, focusing instead on what I don't.  Not that I covet things or belongings or money or wish for a different life.  I don't do any of that with the exception of wishing my pockets were a little greener than they are but that need too will be met.

As I read over this, I am overcome with the idea that I do have a tendency sometimes to be sad over the what if's.  More specifically, the "what if the doctor HAD listened to me about Daddy?"  "What if Kev's doctor had been on top of his medical tests like she should have?"  "What if the doctor in Richmond had been able to get to the root of the problem 8 months ago instead of having to find YET ANOTHER doctor who could?"

So I examined those "what ifs"...

What if the doc had listened to me about Daddy having a scooter.  Surely I was right but does being right make it right?  By that I mean, okay, I was right about Daddy needing a scooter, a man of 86 with Parkinson's should have a scooter with which he can get to the dining room, the little on site store, the on site barber, the post office, the trash, to Physical Therapy, his doctor appointments and live completely independently without the threat of falling and sustaining a life taking injury.  What would that have meant in the long run?  It would have surely prolonged his life.  It would have surely given me another Christmas with my daddy.  It would have given me so many more days of conversations, of I love you's, of fatherly advice, of so much wisdom.  It would have given me insight as to how to be an awesome grandparent.  It would have afforded me an opportunity to enjoy his company in a relatively carefree environment uninhibited by worry over lawn care, replacing linoleum, getting to and from the mail box at the end of the driveway, him driving his car (Oh mercy what a thought) and more.

But what would have it meant to Daddy?  It would have given him concern over the cost. (Daddy was a Depression Baby - he worried endlessly over the cost of things and how it affected his bottom line - though he could have well afforded it.).  It would have given him even more loneliness than that to which he had become accustomed because at least at his house he had his memories of Momma in every room he entered.  It would have given him even more time to wish he was with her after 15 years of living without her.  It would have given him time to will himself to death, regardless of the fact he would never have done that willingly.  

Daddy was a fierce and devout Christian.  He knew his Lord and he put his complete and total faith in Him.  He was always helping me see lessons from God in little events and happenings.  His stories he told and retold to me and to others were rife with examples of how wondrous and marvelous God is.  He knew where his beautiful wife was and he had lived long and lonely in this world with out her.  They were best friends, soul mates, lovers, pals, housemates, playmates.  They thought as one most of the time.  I have never in my life seen anything like the relationship my mom and dad shared.  They were as close to perfect as any two people on this earth could be and anyone who knew them will tell you the same!  Daddy knew when his time came exactly where he was going because he learned a long long long time ago that it was not his life to live but a life borrowed from the very breath of God, given freely with love and without reservation.  Complete with free will to make decisions on how to live, with the tools to make good, biblically sound choices.  

Dad's "Manual for Living"?   The bible of course.  Now Daddy didn't read it daily though he had read most of it multiple times.  He had moments where he quoted his favorite passages and gave you examples of how and why it was important in his own life and help you see why it would be helpful or important in your own.  He never made a single major decision in his life without prayer.  (And most not so major ones too!)  Daddy's mother was a devout Christian, my dad was a devout Christian.   That's how it worked for him and despite his opportunities to live in the world and not the word, it was to the word he always turned.  His entire life was a testament to his faith.

So why was it important for me to be right about the scooter?

In hindsight, it really wasn't.......

Just like in all the other "what if's" it wasn't important.  In the grand scheme of things, the what if's don't really matter.

There are things I would like to change but to what end?  I would have loved to had my sweet husband for longer.  I would like for my little boy to have had his Daddy a lot longer.  I would like to have had my daddy a lot longer.  I would love to have had my momma a lot longer and in every situation there are what if's that aren't even mine to ask.

It was not my life, not my choice, not my opportunity, not my place to even ask.  It IS my place to have faith.  Plain and simple.  it is my place to believe that God in His infinite wisdom has the answers to the questions that burn in my head and heart; the questions that I will have answers to one day when life in this world ends for me and begins in the next and I am reunited with my loved ones.

Today's lesson says to me that I have to continue to make myself NOT look at the what ifs.  I have to  take these what if's out of my life completely and instead take my thoughts - the beginnings of my what ifs  - place them at the feet of Jesus.  He is the only one who can strengthen my wavering.  He alone can take my what if's away and replace them with a strength of faith and character that won't ask only trust. Additionally, while developing my faith and trust, I can also develop a spirit of discernment that will allow me to know when it is appropriate to voice that nagging feeling inside my gut that says it's time to ask the question, voice a differing opinion, ask God to put knowledge, strength, courage, a right spirit where it needs to be.

I prayed the prayer and will continue to pray the prayer of strength, of trust, of faith that I will not question His will but have Faith in it; that I will not question His wisdom but rely on it; that I will be able to know without doubt when it is appropriate to question the wisdom or authority of a decision that is being made that could possibly be detrimental to the health or well being of myself or my child and when it is more appropriate to examine what my motives are and what outcome I am expecting.  

Thank you God for these amazing people who are helping me remember to live more according to your will, your way, your word and not my own.  Thank you God for the wisdom they each impart on each of us from their own walks of life, their own trials, their own tribulations from which they have learned and grown as people, as brothers and sisters, as daughters and sons, as husbands and wives, as fathers and mothers, and as friends.   Thank you God the opportunity to fellowship when they share; for the opportunity to feel and show empathy, sympathy, compassion; for the chance to share our own.  Thank you God for your spirit that flows through each of us into the other and washes over the world one person at a time like a tsunami of strength, courage, faith and love,  born from your love, your joy, the wonder of your ways, your forgiveness, your compassion.   Thank you God for all your blessings and lessons and help us to always be aware of your path, your tutelage, your wisdom.  Help us to be vessels by which others come to you.

All honor and glory to you Lord Amen.

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