The Guilties

This is such an amazing description of how I feel most of the time. A dear dear friend of mine sent it to me who has so many many illnesses with which she battles. For her, this has been going on for a long long time. I can't imagine how it must be emotionally but I do hope life is NOT making her suffer guilties any longer.

She passed this along to me while the doctors were still trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I have a diagnosis now which is always a good thing. It's helpful to know WHAT is wrong... Not knowing is so disenheartening; trying; frustrating. All of that adds to the stress of being sick, making the sickness worse. Stress does horrible things to all illnesses...

THE GUILTIES!

Guilt is an unwanted shame-based emotion which results from having broken a rule. The rule may or may not make sense; therefore, the guilt may or may not be rational. When we run a red light or intentionally hurt another, we feel rational guilt; that is, remorse for having committed a wrongdoing. When we feel we should "perform" as we did before we became ill, that our houses should be spotless, that we should adhere to the same exhausting work schedule, that our children should be perfect and perfectly cared for, we experience guilt of the irrational variety. What rules have we broken?

Let's examine some of the rules we've imposed upon ourselves. (They didn't originate with us, but we've learned them well.):

It's not okay to be ill.
I should be able to conquer or overcome this disease.
I should take care of others, even at my own expense.
I should meet others' expectations of me.
I shouldn't stay in bed.
I shouldn't have needs or require special consideration.
It’s my job to make sure the household/office runs smoothly.
Others are entitled to have needs; I am not.
To ask for help is a sign of weakness.
If someone makes a request, I should assent so that I stay in their good graces.
It’s my job to be the helper, the magic fixer, so that I can read minds and meet others’ needs before they are even aware of them.
Corollary: I don’t expect others to do the same for me.
What others do is a reflection on me.
Others will not like me if I don’t do what they want me to do.

These rules contain a preponderance of shoulds, the dirtiest word in the English language. “Shoulda, coulda, woulda” may sum up the self-expectations, regrets and the lost idealized outcomes of our past and present behavior. Shouldas nag at us; they dictate what we do and how we feel. When we break a should, we feel shame and guilt. It's time to stop this nonsense and to stop shouldaing on ourselves.


GET RID OF THE COBWEBS!

When we clean out a closet, we often sort the contents into three groups: things to keep, things to discard, and things to fix so they work for us. We need to clean out our “rules closets” to see what’s in there: which rules to keep, which ones to discard, and which ones to fix to fit present circumstances.

Our new, rational messages or rules can replace the outdated, rigid, unforgiving ones. For a start I propose these:

My first priority is to take care of myself. If I don't do this, I can't do
anything else successfully.

Others will just have to understand my limitations. I will try to educate
them by explaining my illness and resulting limitations to whatever degree is
appropriate to the situation.

I accept (but do not like the fact) that not everyone will be willing to
learn and understand. If I they cannot or will not understand, it's not
my problem.

I don’t have to make excuses for what I cannot do. I will offer a brief
explanation when appropriate.

I'd will strive to be the best parent/partner/friend I can, given my
illness-related limitations.

It's okay to be ill and to have needs. I may have difficulty accepting
and expressing my needs, but I’m not going to judge them any more.

I will help others as I am able, but I will no longer rescue them.
(That is, I will not do for them what they can and should do for themselves.)

I will do what I can when I can do it. I won't force myself or push
beyond reasonable limits. I will not jeopardize my health to meet an
unreasonable expectation.

In responding to requests, I will keep in mind that there are appropriate
times to say no and to set limits. In doing so, I am not refusing a person; I
am refusing a request. I can respond assertively by saying, “I won’t be able
to help you out this tme, but I am willing to help you identify alternatives
for getting the job done.”

You have thus acknowledged their need, your willingness to help, and your
unwillingness to take on the task -- all in one short phrase. If this is
difficult for you, as it is for most people, consider taking a class
inassertiveness training or reading books on this subject.

It’s okay for me to ask for help. Although I would like to do everything
myself, it is not in my best interests to do so.

I will be specific when making a request. For example, rather than saying, “I
hate to ask you, but I really need extra help right now,” make a clearer, more
rational statement such as, “Due to my limitations, I am unable to run many
errands. Would you be willing to pick up a few things for me at the store?” In
this request, you have acknowledged your limitation or need, specified your
request, and requested a response. When people come through for you, give
them your thanks and appreciation in return.

What others do is a reflection of their situations, likes and dislikes
rather than a reflection on me. For example, if my spouse wears
something awful or tells a joke I don’t approve of, it’s not my problem!

I deserve to treat myself kindly and with respect.

I deserve to receive the same treatment from others, and to offer it to them in
return.

Those who have unreasonable expectations of me will have to learn
that I have limits and boundaries. If they cannot accept these, they are not
true friends.

I will be flexible in my self-expectations.

BUT ISN’T THIS SELFISH?

We’ve been taught to believe that to be selfish is to unreasonably want something we want but do not have. The negative connotation “I want what’s yours” gives rise to selfishness being considered a major felony. However, the positive side of selfishness, self care, allows us to treat ourselves (and thus others) well. Taking care of oneself comes first. We cannot meet others’ needs if our own are unmet. This is like trying to get money out of an account into which we haven’t deposited any money. To keep the account “in the black,” we must make periodic deposits and allow others to do likewise. In the process, we learn to balance our needs with others’ needs, and everyone wins.


THE BOTTOM LINE
Guilt cannot be erased, but it can be gradually reduced as we become more sensible in our self-expectations and self-messages. The big challenge is to learn to live more rationally and to discard what no longer make sense or no longer works. Revising the rulebook and making behavioral changes is a great way to start.

So Blessed

I had to share this one. I'm really proud of finishing it, for many reasons. First, I used a old photo I've been wanting to scrap. Second, it means I'm finally able to start scrapping about my mom. This is a huge step for me as it's been 12 years since Momma passed away and even thinking too long about it brings too many tears. I know that she's in the most wonderful place ever, I know that she's healthy and well and happy. I know that she and the Lord have shared many wonderful conversations since she went home. She was so blessed to have been dedicated to Him from a very early age. I'm absolutely certain she has shared many a moment in His glorious presence.

Now, having said that, she was mighty blessed. Everything she touched turned to gold and she was humble enough, kind enough and generous enough to share that with anyone who happened to be around and then some. One of her many talents was her amazing voice. She was a soprano with a voice as sweet as honey, as smooth as fine silk and as rich as gold. She was amazing. Hearing the clear melodious sounds that eminated from her, even when she spoke, was a gift. When she sang, you couldn't help but know that God's love had wrapped itself around her and was being shared in the most special of ways. Yes, she was that awesome.

When momma passed away, the entire church was sad. That's pretty awesome for a church that has and had more than 1000 members. Daddy and Momma loved their church, The Episcopal Church of The Redeemer. They loved their priest, the associate priests, the congregants, everything! Daddy decided that the best way he could show his love and thanks for all the love they shared with him was to give back. He gave a generous donation to the choir that paid for all new chairs and more in the choir room. The choir director, who was so fond of Momma, said it was overwhelming.

As a side note and story to share, the morning of Momma's memorial service, there was a dove sitting on the window sill. She sat there through the entire service and remained there during the recessional when all the congregants left the church to go outside and put flowers on her site (she was creamated and her ashes are in the memorial garden beside the church where Daddy's will remain as well). The dove stayed there until the last person was gone. It was only after every single person was gone that the dove actually flew away. The choir master watched this dove throughout the service. He was certain, as are we, that the dove was here to represent Momma, letting us all know she was fine, in a much better place, in perfect health and thanking us all for our love. Now that is something I can't not tear up and get goose bumps about every time I think about it!

Hope you like!

First Day of School!

Well, for some reason, my posts have decided to go on vacation. I'm not sure where they've gone, but hopefully they're having fun! I've posted twice, showing some recent layouts and giving an update on our lives, but alas, they're missing... So that brings us to today, the first day of the 2009-2010 school year. It's hard to believe Dalton is already in 3rd grade. He's so precious and he's growing so fast. When we visited his teacher, Mrs. Vip, last week at Back to School day, he says to her,

"I hear you're the meanest teacher in the whole school. I don't think that's true. I think you're really nice and I think we're going to have a great time this year."

Oh my stars I could have died when Susan told me this. He has a way of letting you know just what he's thinking eh?

This is Dalton and Mrs. Vip. I'm certain this is going to be a great year. I'm really glad he has Mrs. Vip. I think the discipline and structure will be so good for him! He needs someone like her. He started out today with a bit of a queasy tummy but I hope I quelled his first day fears okay. Poor kid, he's so worried there will be a repeat of last year's emotional turmoil.

This morning we had to get up early enough to fix Dalton's hair the way he chose. We researched men's hairstyles on line and he picked out one he really liked. This is a close as we got it and he was very happy with it. I'm glad for him. He even got really picky yesterday while we were choosing a new pair of jeans. He refused a pair of loose fit Levi's at Ross's because he didn't like the loose fit. He prefers something that is a little less roomy. He was absolutely adamant about it. So we ended up at WalMart purchasing a pair of regular cut Wranglers that he much prefered. He also was quite particular about the color of his jeans. NO dark blue, they look too new. NO bleached out, they look too old. No carpenter pants, doesn't like the side pocket. Medium blue as they look just right... not too light, not too dark. He also chose a new t-shirt that reflected his two sports loves, basketball AND soccer. He didn't want to wear the jeans today as it's raining and a bit to warm in his opinion. He chose a pair of dark blue shorts (don't ask, I don't get it either) and this t-shirt. The new Nike's that Aunt Miss Lisa bought him were a must despite the rain. She really shouldn't have bought them. (God bless her for doing it. She was appalled that the inner sole was coming loose in his shoes and took him and Molly to the store for new school shoes. Both of them got new shoes and he feels so cool with is Nike's. He thinks he'll be great on the basketball court this winter to be sure all because he's got these shoes. Funny how kids get that idea, that a pair of shoes or the right brand name will actually make them better at something. I never really got into brand labels.)





Anyway, 20 minutes to do the hair today (yes, curling iron, gel, wide tooth comb and hairspray...), his new clothes, his favorite waffles for breakfast and the Nike's. We're ready to show out for school! We waited 35 minutes for the bus today but it was fun. Molly's first day was greated with great happiness that Dalton was waiting for her at her bus stop this morning. He was so sweet to her, taking care of her and making sure she had a great seat on the bus. They'll be getting off the bus together this afternoon so she knows just where to go when she gets off the bus at Nana's (Aunt Miss Lisa to Dalton) house. They were adorable together.




No tears this year. I suppose we're all growing up!



That smile is worth getting up for every day...

Thanks for looking!
Peace and blessings,
Lissa

I postively cannot wait for this!!

I swear every time I watch this trailer I get more and more excited about the movie. Having read all the books now, I'm on pins and needles waiting for this movie to come out! I wish I wasn't waiting until November... isn't there somewhere close by that I can watch this in advance people!??? WOW!

Very OT:

But I had to share this. Once again, Linda has given me fodder for my blog. This video is absolutely the funniest thing I've seen in a very long time. I have played it over and over and still laugh so hard my tummy hurts when I watch it!



Hope you enjoyed!

Peace and blessings,
Lissa

Wow have you seen what Home Depot is carrying now?

I can't say as I'm surprised by this but I am excited!

Home Depot is now carrying the Cricut Expression! You can check it out HERE. While this is internet only right now, I think it's about time some of the hardware stores got in on this Home Project DIY master machine! How completely awesome to have the ability to purchase this baby where you're also quite likely to talk your hubby into it while he's looking at his own power tools. Can you imagine his expression when you say, "Hey sugar, let's look at what's on sale at the Home Depot. I see that new Makita drill you wanted is 40% off!" You know he'll rush to the computer so fast he'll knock you off your chair.

So what if you happen to see the toy YOU want while you're "walking through the aisles of the internet". He'll be so in love with his new tool-baby coming soon, he probably won't even notice that you put your own new toy in the cart! And when you tell him about all the cool things this new toy will do for him too, how can he possibly say no?

"But honey, you know you wanted to redo the lettering on the boat. This will make it so professional and beautiful! You'll be the envy of the club. Not to mention the new templates for your fishing lures and wow - the new sign for the Hunt Club! There's just so much you can do with this honey! You just wait until all the guys see what you did... they'll be green with envy that you made it better than anyone there. They'll all want one then and you can say you had it first. Don't you want them to look up to you like that? It's like bagging the first deer of the season! Why, it's a 15 point buck baby!"

Oh yeah - play to his senses... You'll be sure to bag your own new baby then. Just because it's in YOUR scraproom instead of the Man-Cave doesn't make it any less manly! Bwwaaaahhhhhaaaaa..... work it baby, work it!

A wee bit of eye candy

Here are a few of the most recently layouts I've been able to complete. One is for the monthly challenge this month for If It's Groovy. This month we're showing off using office supplies on our layouts. Slide on over to the blog to check out everyone's layouts and projects. Don't forget to send yours in as well. There's a great prize package being offered up this month for submitting!

Big congratulations to the "Zero Angle's" winner, Lisa, too. She created a stunning layout!








Thanks so much for looking!

Peace and blessings,
Lissa